Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short of time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
And to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
And no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
Over a tiny, unfinished baby,
Or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were just those few weeks my little one
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
To make my life so much richer-
And give me a small glimpse of eternity.
By Susan Erlin
This is a memorial to our angel baby, Christian Michael. I was
8 weeks pregnant with Christian when I had a miscarriage. I was
not far enough along to know if I was pregnant with a boy or a
girl, but I had had a very strong feeling from the very beginning
that I was going to have a boy. I had the same feeling with
my daughter..I just somehow knew she was going to be a girl
from the very start.
I believe a mother's intuitions are nothing more than whispered
secrets from God.
Having a miscarriage can be very difficult in the grieving process.
Most times family and friends aren't comfortable mentioning your
baby for a number of reasons, but mostly because it makes them feel
uncomfortable, and they think it makes you feel worse. It is hard
to feel convinced you have any reason to feel so sad, lonely and empty.
There is no funeral, no burial, no memorial service, no relatives
bringing over food or offering to help out around the house. You may
feel as though your baby is simply forgotten because "there was never
anything to show for it" or because people don't see your baby as
real life because only you felt his presence within that was indeed
very real and alive. Most people will think it will be most helpful for you
to forget about the miscarriage and go on with life as if nothing
ever happened. As a mother though, it is a very real and deep
sense of loss. I am sharing my story with you as a tribute to
my son whom I love dearly, as a way for myself to heal, and
also as a way to let other women who go
through this know that they are not alone in their grief, or in
the way they feel about their loss. If I help only one person
along the way, just lighten their load a little bit, then I will
at least feel like what I went through served a purpose in this
life.
The Mention of His Name
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears
If you are really my friend
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul
Author Unknown
And this is our story...
My name is Holly and I am 24 years old. I have been married to
my wonderful husband, Mike, for almost 3 years. We have one
beautiful daughter, Haley, who was born on November 23, 1998. My
pregnancy was perfect up until I hit 23 weeks. Then, my water
broke and I started hemhorraging. After 2 weeks of strict bedrest,
Haley was born at 25 weeks gestation weighing 1 pound 11 ounces and
with a 50% chance to live. You can read more about her story here:
Haley Miracle~Born
a preemie to become a miracle. No one could ever tell us what
caused her premature birth. It left a lot of questions in our minds
as to whether or not it would happen again the next time we decided
to get pregnant. I was so scared that I would have another preemie
that I never had a chance to think something even worse could happen.
On May 24, 2001, the day before my 24th birthday, we found out I was
pregnant again! What better birthday present can you ask for? We
were very excited, but also scared of how things would turn out.
We had decided this would be a good time for us to try for a number
of reasons. Mike is in the Navy, active duty, and he was due to
leave for a 6 month cruise on his ship on June 16. We decided to
go ahead and try right before he left so that we would know he would
be home for the birth. Lucky for us, we got pregnant the first
month we tried. We also wanted Haley and the new baby to be about
3 years apart. So everything was going according to plan. We were
already planning on how I should take it easy so I wouldn't
deliver pre-term again.
On June 10th, I noticed I was spotting a little bit of brownish
colored blood. I was a bit worried, but figured it was nothing
since it wasn't much and appeared to just be old blood. I had
been having some cramping, but it wasn't bad, and it is normal to
have a bit of cramping with the uterus expanding and the ligaments
stretching. Then on Tuesday night, the 12th, I noticed bright
red blood. So we decided we better go to the ER to get it checked
out. The doctor did an ultrasound in the ER. He said 2 things.
I should have been 8 weeks by my LMP (last menstrual period) but
I was only measuring 6 weeks and he couldn't find a heartbeat. He
said I could have either had a miscarriage 2 weeks before or my dates
could just be off. I was so scared and afraid I had lost my baby.
I had just about given up hope that things could be okay. We were
finally discharged at about 5:30am to go home and return at 8am
to be seen in OB/GYN for followup.
The walk to the OB/GYN clinic the next morning was the longest walk
of my life. As I signed in and waited to be seen, I was so tired
and scared and worried. When the doctor came in to do the ultrasound,
I held my breath. I was prepared for the worst. Then he turned the
screen to show me my baby's heartbeat! I cried tears of joy. My
hope had been restored! He said that I was measuring 6 weeks 1 day,
so my dates were off, but there was definitely a heart beat.
He also told me that I could still miscarry, but
that he was much more hopeful after seeing the heartbeat. I had
quite a few people tell me that once they see a heartbeat, your chances
of having a miscarriage are very low. I let my guard down and figured
if I took it easy, things would be fine. I just knew after seeing
that little heart beating everything would be fine. He sent me
home, told me to take it easy and said he would see me again in 2 weeks.
On Friday, the 15th, the bleeding got worse, and the cramping became
unbearable. We had to make another trip to the ER. They did an
ultrasound again, and found no heartbeat. I was still holding onto
hope that they could be wrong again, so I was waiting for the results
of the hormone level check they did in my blood. After an hour and
a half of waiting, the doctor came in to tell us that the levels
were not as high as they should have been. They said they were 99%
sure I was having a miscarriage. I was discharged and told to follow
up with OB/GYN on Monday. My whole world was shattered in that instance.
Mike was due to ship out the very next morning for 6 months. How could
this happen? We spent our last night together in the ER learning
that our baby was dead. How could life be so cruel? We were hoping
maybe Mike could stay back an extra week and fly out to meet the
ship in one of the ports overseas. We wouldn't know for sure until
the next morning right before it was time for him to leave.
That very next morning at 10:30am, my husband had to climb aboard his
ship to leave us for 6 months. We would not be able to grieve together,
be able to support each other or be able to figure out how to move
on with life together. As I said goodbye to him on the pier, I have
never in my life felt so alone. I was in a state of shock with
all that had happened. How could this be? I lost my baby the night
before my husband left me for 6 months? Could life possibly really
be that cruel? What did I do to deserve this? I found myself
questioning the Lord a lot, and I was angry with Him. Most of all
I was hurt and just felt so alone and sad. If I didn't have my
2 1/2 year old daughter, I probably would have just crawled into
bed and never came out. Somehow over the weekend, I had built up a
small ray of hope that maybe my baby could still be fine and that it
was all a big mistake. Hope can be a dangerous thing though. I fell
to pieces in the doctor's office on Monday morning when they
confirmed that I had indeed had a misacarriage. They would see me
again in another week to be sure all the tissue was either reabsorbed
by my body, or passed naturally.
Two days later, I started getting really bad pains in my stomach.
The pain got progressively worse, until finally, I started
throwing up! I thought I had food poisoning or a stomach flu.
I was just about to go to the ER, when the pain subsided some. I
thought I would go to sleep now that the pain had eased up and see
how I felt in the morning. The next morning the pain was still there
but not as bad. I made an appointment to see a doctor, but
the first available appointment wasn't until 1:45pm. As the
morning went on, the pain got increasingly worse, and I was forced
to go to the ER. I sat around for 9 hours in excruciating pain
before it was finally realized that I had a uterine infection
from the miscarriage. I was put in the hospital for four days while they
ran IV antibiotics and gave me pain medicine for the tenderness in
my uterus. I was physically and emotionally worn out when it was
time for me to go home. For the last 4 days, I had had to worry
about getting myself better for my 2 year old daughter who was now
at home with Mom Mom..mommy and daddy had both left her. When I left
the hospital, I cried because I knew it was time to face reality
again...face the death of my baby who should have still been with
me.
There are no words that I can think of to describe the way I feel
about this. I just feel so lost and empty, lonely and sad. I
never realized how much a miscarriage hurts. I love Christian just
the same as I love my Haley. Losing him is so painful to me, but
yet I don't think anyone who hasn't had a miscarriage can really
understand how real that pain is, how it IS a real loss of a REAL life.
I had so many hopes and dreams and plans already for this baby.
I couldn't wait to give Haley a little brother or sister to love.
She so loves babies, and once she realized what it meant, decided
she wanted Mommy to have a baby. I had already pictured in my mind
what he would look like, how he and Haley would play together, picked
out names, thought about how I would decorate his room...so many
plans. All of that was shattered in one moment. It leaves me
feeling like a part of me is missing, and like a part of me died
that day with him. I can only hope and pray that this will get
easier with time.
This is all so new to me, and hopefully I will learn a lot of ways
to heal along the way to share later. For now, this is the best
thing I knew to do to start healing. I found making the webpage
for my daughter about our premature experience helped me heal in a
lot of ways. I hope it works the same for this, and I hope I can
help people through miscarriage the way I have helped them through
the premature experience by sharing my story. If you are reading
this page because you have suffered this loss, please take with you
my deepest sympathy. May God wrap you in His healing arms and carry
you until you are strong enough to carry yourself again.
One of the most profound things that was ever sent to me is the
verse you will find right below. Read it, and remember it.
God bless you.
"He Himself has said,
I will not in any way fail you
nor give you up
nor leave you without support."
Hebrews 13:5
This entire website (except for any verses, quotes
and poems, which are copyrighted by their individual
authors), is copyright ©2001 by Holly Curtis, Christian's
mom, and may not be reproduced in any form without
express written consent of Holly Curtis. All rights reserved.
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